Fightin' Fair

By Ken Zeigler

"What is fairness?" To understand fairness in fighting, it may be helpful to recognize some of the signs that you are involved in an illegal or unfair fight. So I imagined a top ten list of signs that you are in an unfair fight.

10. You realize your husband's head is balding significantly from behind.
9. Her lips seem to be moving, but hey, where is the sound?
8. When asked what he thinks, he asks, "What were we talking about?"
7. In the heat of an argument, you yell so loud you can't hear yourself.
6. Short-term memory loss actually becomes clinical.
5. You can't finish your sentences because your spouse is interrupting.
4. You hear snoring.
3. You realize this conversation is a one-way street-going nowhere.
2. Even though you brought up the issue, somehow it now is your fault.
1. Your spouse says, "All is fair in love and war!"

Chances are, all of us have experienced one or all of the top ten signs of an unfair fight. But for a fair fight, a fight that can build up a relationship rather than tear it down, there are rules of engagement. Eugene Peterson writes in the Message, "Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry-but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge." (Ephesians 4:26)

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) says, "Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up others according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." One rule of a fair fight is to avoid foul names or cursing at one another. Early in our marriage, Linda and I felt convicted to avoid language of this nature because it only serves to harm. Harsh words penetrate the heart and soul and, said often enough, can linger for years and be the catalyst for bitterness in relationships.

Two other important rules of fair fighting are to avoid drama and listen, really listen, to the other person. A good example of this was my wife's behavior toward me recently. Like any couple, we can argue about anything from the best exit to take off the beltway to the dreaded "honey-do" list to when or where to stop for directions. Not long ago, Linda and I had a difficult weekend. The particulars of the issue dividing us are hazy, but both of us remember the feelings and responses that served to remind us how fragile we are and how easily we can hurt each other. I felt angry and hurt, and I quickly retreated to my "cave." I have a very deep, long cave. Linda could not find me for most of the weekend. Finally Linda came to me with such a soft, gentle fear, and some hurt over my disappearing act, that I opened my heart once again. She listened patiently as I unloaded my thoughts and feelings. Without the drama of a reaction, Linda made sure she understood my perspective, and that I knew she understood me. I'm not sure she agreed with me, but her validation made all the difference in mending our relationship that weekend.

Another rule for fighting fair is that we need to reflect on it ahead of time. Fairness does not come naturally to any of us. We need to work on it. Ephesians 4:26 & 29 are good guides for us to meditate on when we are tempted to fight unfairly. To be fair, play by the rules.

(see also today's sermon: Fighting Fair)