Sermon: "The Struggle of Becoming a Parent"

Third in "The Parenting Challenge" Series,
Delivered May 8, 2005 by Rev. John Schmidt.
Other sermons in this series - 1 / 2 / 3

Theme: As we look at this issue of parenting, it's important to remind ourselves that some individuals want to be parents but can't be. What can we do to stand with our sisters and brothers, to help and not become part of the problem?

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Sermon Notes are at the end.

Well, I want to share a little bit with you about my Aunt Joyce. I found out this morning that I pronounce it properly for Baltimore. We pronounce it that way in New Orleans too, Aunt and not Aunt. It's a relief to know that I don't have to change my accent too much to be understood here. My Aunt Joyce was a career woman. This was back in the 50's and early 60's when woman who had careers were a rare thing. My Aunt Joyce was different than everybody else. I guess the biggest difference that stood out to me was that she had an immaculate home and no one else in my family did. There is something different about her place. It had all these really nice things on all the shelves; even the low shelf that kids could reach. She also traveled a lot. She had all kinds of stories about her travel. See, my Aunt Joyce didn't have any children and that's one of the things that struck me as a little bit unusual because I always wondered as a kid why wouldn't my aunt want several of me, you know, sort of running around.

Christmas parties at our house were always a little different. Most of the parties, most of the get-togethers in our family would all surround the kids. The kids would be at the center of things. The adults would surround that, but at my aunts house there were separate parties for the adults and the kids then would be in the den watching TV and playing games, and that was the only place in my family that that happened. I wasn't that close to my Aunt Joyce as a kid and there were probably a lot of reasons for that in our family. But maybe one of those reasons was because she didn't have any children. So it was in college when I began to get to know her a little bit better and got a little closer to her. And I can remember that period of time that I began to start to understand some things about her that I had never seen before. I started to realize that my aunt had never made the decision not to have children. Instead, she had gone through a series of difficult pregnancies, and had lost child after child in those pregnancies. And finally it became clear that she would never ever be able to hold a healthy pregnancy.

And then, when she was in her late 30's, her husband died after a long illness, a long struggle with heart disease. And so, it became clear to me in college that it started to pull it together that my aunt wasn't a career woman because she wanted to be, but because she was a childless, widow and had no other choices. Recognizing that was really important to me because I started to shed this image of my Aunt Joyce and started to replace that with something that was more real. I started to look around her house, and I started to listen to what she said, and I started to see and hear things that I had never heard before. One of the first things that I started to notice is that in her stories about her busy and eventful life that often I would show up as a major character in some of the stories. She would have all kinds of stories of times we did things together and they were true. We had done them, but they were very far apart and it wasn't that important to me. And I started to realize that those times we had had together were very important to her.

And then I started to look around in her house and I noticed that in her house she had pictures of all the nieces and nephews up on the walls and then had my father's artwork; my father was her brother and had his artwork up on the wall and a poem that I wrote in 5th or 6th grade. She had that and did it up all nicely, and calligraphy, and matted it and framed it. All these things nicely matted and framed up on her walls, the chronicle of the family life together. I also noticed that when I got into college, she was one of the ones that took a risk to let me paint the trim on her house. She had this beautiful brick house and she let me paint it. Now even now that is not a safe thing to do, to let me paint. And yet she did that in order to be able to give me money because I was saving up so I could go to the first Bible conference I ever went to as a new Christian. She provided the opportunity to do that. She was also the one who helped me find a job to pay for college. And then when a poor, engaged couple, Debbie and I, went and shared with her that we were getting married, she is the one who found an old ring that she gave to me to give to Debbie as an engagement ring. And it's a ring that Debbie still wears. I saw my aunt in a new light. I started to notice that in her neighborhood around her she knew the kids that lived around her and this happened as she moved from place to place, as generation after generation of kids grew up she knew all the kids. She was Auntie Joyce to all of them and she kept in touch with them after they grew up and would write them and when they would come into town to visit their families, they would come and visit her as well.

Today we are celebrating Mother's Day and it's an incredible privilege. It's something we want to celebrate that having a mother, and the care of a mother, and the gift of being a mother; these are things we want to celebrate. But even as we celebrate this, we have to remind ourselves and remember that not everybody who wants to be a parent is a parent. There are all kinds of things that get in the way. We might not be married. We might be divorced before children. We might be widowed. We might be a couple that is struggling with infertility. There are all kinds of things that get in the way of our desires of what we wish our life would be, what we would like things to be right now and what they really are. People struggle with this issue of having children and that's what we see going on in today's Bible passage. In today's Bible passage we see this woman Hannah struggle with her desire to have children. And so I would like to step into that text and overhear her conversation with God and to learn from her walk with God. So let's go to 1st Samuel, chapter 1 and I am going to begin on the first verse and go through the 20th verse. The first two verses are those special pastor verses. I am going to act like I actually know how to pronounce these words. Okay?

"There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none. Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord. Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her til she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, " How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid or your wine."

"Not so, my Lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." Eli answered, "Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." She said, " May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. Early the next morning they arose and worshipped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah laid with Hannah his wife and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."

Hannah is pouring out before the Lord the desires and frustrations of years. She desires to be a mother and in the presence of a long, long process, time of infertility, she is holding these desires before God. It's year after year. It's not a new problem. We see that again and again in verses 3 to verse 7, again and again, we see that this is something that has been going on in her life. It begins by saying in verse 3, year after year they come up. Whenever the day of sacrifice came there would be this pattern and then the husband would always remember Hannah with a double portion, and every time she was provoked again by Peninnah, her rival. So this is a recurring pattern, year after year. It's not a new problem that she is bringing before God and verses 5 and 6 show us one of the things that makes it so difficult and that is, the Lord's will was involved in this. It's says in verse 5, the Lord had closed her womb. Verse 6, and because the Lord had closed her womb these things happen. God's will was involved in this. We don't have any answers as to why, but we see that God knew this. God allowed this. God's hand is in it.

Now, just because God's hand is in it doesn't mean that it is easy for Hannah, because again let's take a look at what's happening to her in verse 6 and 7. Every time they come back to the temple her rival keeps provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord her rival provoked her until she wept and wouldn't even eat. You know it's our feeling sometimes that if it is the Lord's will and we understand that, that somehow it's always going to be easy because of that. That is not the case for Hannah. She knows that for some reason that God has allowed this to happen in her life and it is still difficult, year after year, it is still a problem for her. There are still wounds that are fresh in her life. And time didn't make it easier, because this has happened year after year, and verse 7 says that she is still upset. When she comes into the temple, it is still a fresh issue for her. And so she goes before God in prayer. Verse 10 talks about her prayer. It says this, in bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. Bitterness of soul. Have you ever prayed that way? In bitterness of soul. No joy. No sense of upcoming triumph, just the raw hurt of seeing your hopes dashed over and over, not knowing why this particular hard path is yours to walk and you are desperate for God to provide a way out. Have you ever prayed that way? Maybe you are praying that way right now. And it's not just about the issue of infertility. There are so many issues that come into our life that are so difficult and they don't move and we wonder, God what are you doing in all of this?

It is so easy for us to put to together in our minds, some kind of idea of the kinds of prayers that God answers. So when we think about prayer we say, "Well, God answers prayers of faith" and that's true. The scripture tells us that. And so we think that you know okay, God will obviously answer a prayer where we are confident about what God will do, where we are joyful in our expectation of what God will do, and we are submitting to the will of God until he does it. And there is this whole picture of when we have this sort of thing going on in our life, God is going to answer the prayer. But is our idea of God big enough to realize that God will answer Hannah's kind of prayer as well? A prayer that comes from bitterness of soul, desperate, bitter prayers full of hurts that won't just go away, because sometimes that is the only kind of prayer we have. We feel like oh no, I've got wrestle myself into some entirely unrealistic emotional position in order to be able to come before God, because otherwise God is going to reject us. That's not what is happening here in Hannah's life. She comes to God with the hurt, fresh hurt, things that just won't go away, things she doesn't understand, things that she is trying to say God why me, why us, why this way? And even then, God hears. Is your idea of God big enough to see that?

It gets worse before anything happens because here is Hannah laying her soul bare before God and the priest comes up behind her and thinks that she is drunk. But, before the end of this passage we see that God took her hurt and her desires seriously and that means that he takes our hurt and our desire seriously. The point is, God answers prayers. God answers prayer, but not always when and as we expect. Think about Hannah for a moment. This is not the first time that Hannah prays about this. One of the reasons she is being ridiculed year after year as she comes to the temple is because she views coming to the temple as a special time to lay this request before God and every time she has prayed this before there has not been an answer. God does answer at this point. And we can see in the passage that God answers at this point because he is wrapping up her desire and her need into his desire and his plan, that there is something bigger going on in Israel, and in the world, and he is scooping her up and adding her into it, but she doesn't know that and it's not always this way. It's this way in this passage.

Now the struggle with infertility is a struggle that is common in the Bible. We see it in Sara and Abraham's life. We see it in Rachel's life. We see it here in Hannah's life. In the New Testament we see it in the life of Elizabeth and Zechariah and never in any of these cases is infertility a sign of disobedience. Never in any case is it a matter of not being ready or not praying enough. It's never tied in with things like that. It's a mystery. In verse 6 it simply states that this was the Lord's will, and so often that is all we know, is that this is what God has allowed. Maybe there is something going on with satanic attack to discourage us. Maybe there is something God's doing in this struggle, doing in us, through us, maybe all those things are true, but the fact is it's basically still a mystery why some of us face certain struggles and others of us don't. And so we have a lot of people in our congregation who are struggling with the issue of having children. We have a lot of people among our friends who aren't part of this congregation who struggle with this as well. People who are struggling with their infertility or with the struggle of having healthy pregnancies, and then you add to that the people who aren't married and want to be and want to not only have one made, but have a family developed. Others are widowed or divorced and struggling with all of that. It's a huge problem and it's a sensitive issue, and so if we don't have answers as to why this is going on, what can we do to support our sisters and brothers and not become part of the problem like Peninnah? What can we do to be of support? I would like to give you eight suggestions for helping and not hurting people who are in big struggles like this.

The first one, don't offer trite answers. Debbie had four pregnancies for us to have two children. She miscarried twice and in seminary when this happened, it was amazing how many future pastors of America would come up with these inane, trite answers. One of the most common ones was, well, God knows you are not ready yet. Okay, this is while we are looking in the newspaper and we are seeing that there are mothers who are locking their kids in unventilated cars so that they could go into places and drink and they forget about their kids and their kids die. This is in a place where we are constantly recognizing that mothers are not even wanting to raise their children and giving them off to family members to do it because they don't want to be bothered. And you see a world around you like that with all of these people who are grossly mismatched with children it seems and then somebody comes up and says, oh well God knows you are not ready yet. Let's not be one of those people. No trite answers.

The second one. Let's also not give any false hopes. I think we do this more with family members than with friends, but you know you get so much behind them and you are cheerleading them and so then we say silly things like, "Oh well, everybody is praying for you. You know I bet by next Christmas this is going to be solved." Well, who made you God's prophet? If you are a prophet, lets recognize that and discern what you are saying that, but so often it's not God saying that at all. It's just us. We are trying to be supportive. We don't know how and so we say something that sets up a false hope. Something we can't fulfill. So let's not give any trite answers and let's not give them any false hopes.

The third thing is, let's assure people of God's love. God's love is present even if there is suffering and struggle, even if there is failure, even if things cycle through again and again without the answer we are looking for. God's love is still there. Let's be one of those spokespeople for that; to point out to that, to uphold that and to be a channel of that with other people.

Number four. Pray. Pray with them. Pray for them. Prayer really changes things. So you might pray for them and it might resolve the issue. The answer might really come. God changes these things. But if God doesn't change the circumstance, we can still pray because God might change the person inside of the circumstance so that they will have the endurance and faith and maturity to face those difficulties. By all means, let's be praying for each other.

Five. Point to God's faithfulness. Just like we can point to God's love, let's point to God's faithfulness in history and other areas of life, at other times in their lives, in our lives. God's faithfulness is a rock of assurance for us, and we need to see that faithfulness in other places of our lives as we struggle with the particular things that nag and go on and on.

Number six. Include them in family activities if they want to be included. If somebody is struggling with this issue of not having children and they would like to be, include them in the family activities. If that's a comfortable thing, something they desire, let's do that. You know, one of the problems we have is that whenever somebody is grieving, whenever somebody is in a situation of dealing with illness, we don't know exactly what to say and all and one of the things that happens is we keep a distance because we are so afraid this will be uncomfortable, and this and that, and so we end up excluding them, which is more uncomfortable. So invite people into the life of your family.

Seven. Plan adult's-only occasions. If you are at that time and you have young children and you have friends around you that don't have children, you know there are times when you should have some kind of get-together that is for the grownups and not just for the grownups and the kids. It's okay to do. And that again gives that opportunity to support, to relate, to be friends together.

Number eight. Last one. Remember to enjoy all the other things about their lives. Again, going back to the whole issue of grief and loss, death and illness. It sometimes seems like when something like that is going on in your life, that's the only thing that people can talk to you about. And so after people have talked to you six times about the illness, the loss, the grief, it's like, I don't want to talk about that again. I feel like I am a broken record and you avoid people. They come down this aisle and you go down that aisle. With some of these issues like infertility or struggles with our children or struggles with being married or not being married, these problems linger for a long time. We can't avoid each other forever. We've got to recognize that there is this whole other areas of life that we enjoy together, and it's okay to focus on those other things and enjoy those things together. Single, widowed, divorced married, struggling with infertility, everybody who has loss or some kind of struggle also has other areas of life we can relate to them about. Let's be part of the helping and not part of hurting this situation.

I was in college and then in my early 30s when I started to understand my Aunt Joyce better. And to be honest, it kept on going, learning more and more, and then finally even after she had died, we learned more about understanding who she was. When she died and we were going through her belongings, in her silver set we found a little baby spoon with the family name "B" for her last name written on it. It was a reminder that long before she died she had a dream and a desire that died. One of the things that strikes me is that I didn't understand this for years, and I am not sure that my family ever did understand this. Whatever my aunt learned, whatever struggle she had, whatever answers she found, she found alone and it shouldn't be this way. It doesn't have to be this way. So my desire for this congregation, for us, is that we can be the kind of place that God gives the grace to be the kind of place that in the mystery of all the struggles we face in life, that God can show us his love in the lives and faces of each other.

Let's pray. Gracious God, we have all kinds of struggles Lord that we carry; things that just don't seem to resolve, or resolve very slowly, mysteries that we don't have answers to, particularly the answer why. So we hold this hurt before you and we pray now that we might be honest with you in our prayer, even if it means that we pray in bitterness, in desperation. And then we pray that we might be such a community that we might be able to accept one another in these struggles, we might be able to stand with each other, uphold each other, and that we might reflect your love, your faithfulness, your concern, day after day, because you called us to be your body, so we offer this prayer in Jesus' name. Amen.

Sermon Outline Notes:

• God takes our hurt and desires seriously.
• God answers prayer.
• God answers prayer.
  --- But not always when and as we expect.

Helping and not Hurting:

1. Don't offer trite answers.
2. Don't offer false hope.
3. Assure them of God's love.
4. Pray!
5. Point to God's faithfulness.
6. Include them in family activities.
7. Plan adults only occasions.
8. Remember to enjoy all the other things about their lives.

© 2005, Rev. John Schmidt
Central Presbyterian Church, Baltimore, MD 21204 410/823-6145
www.centralpc.org