Sermon: "Pure Sex"

3rd in the "Relational Theology" series.
Delivered February 22, 2009 by Rev. George Antonakas.
Sermon Text: Genesis 2:18-25; Matthew 19:3-6;
Ephesians 5:29-32

Click to download & listen to the sermon MP3

I want to thank Mountain Christian Church for that sermon intro video. They... that Pastor Ben Cachiaras who's out there did something with this topic back in September, and he allowed us to use that lead-in video, and I, you know... the video shows it, the skit shows it, in this Relational Theology (Part 3) series when we talk about male/female relationships, it's just tough. It's just a tough subject to talk about.

I have to admit there is a part of me that standing before you today, as I reflect on a couple of months ago when we started to think about this series, at the time I thought it was really a good idea, back then. Then I realized how much it's going to take to study this, to address such a broad topic to such an incredibly diverse audience. I mean, I don't know what our age range is here, but it's diverse. And so I don't know. I just... here we are.

It's challenging because there are some people who don't think we should talk about s-e-x in church, and some people may not have shown up today because of it. Others may feel a little uncomfortable. I do remember that scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that I kind of relate to right now. The mom has finally decided to talk to her daughter about sex the night before the marriage, and she chooses to do that with about 20 people in her bedroom... all the cousins.

And she says, "Toula, Greek women, they're like lambs in the kitchen, but they're like tigers in the bedroom." So Toula looks at her and says, "Please let this conversation be over." Maybe some of you are feeling that way. It's like it's a little uncomfortable to talk about this subject, but let's set aside all the dis-ease shall we? Because if there is any place we should be talking about sex it is in church because sex is a God given gift. We are sexual beings. It is who we are.

And everywhere else where it's being talked about, whether it's TV or movies, or magazines, a different gospel is being presented. And that gospel is not leading us to too many good places. It's a God-designed gift to help us, and so graffiti is not a really great source of information.

It's funny, I checked out two or three books in preparation for this message in the library. There are some really good books in the library. There is one called Sex 180. It's a challenge to adolescent-age folks to join a sexual revolution of a different sort, to rebel by conforming to God's Word. There is another one called... what is it called? Real Sex, I think, by Lauren Winner, and she writes about all her struggles with the topic.

The thing I noticed though in the cards when I checked it out... they haven't been checked out for like three years. It's like we're not reading this stuff or something. We're going somewhere else for our information. Actually the church has been associated with warnings about sexual immorality rather than a focus on the gift of sexual morality. And so historically we've come off as prudes or killjoys.

That's because it's easy to treat sex like fire prevention. When firefighters come to my wife's preschool class they don't usually tend to talk about the benefits of fire. They get all dressed up in this gear and some of the little kids are scared and they talk about stop, drop, and roll. They talk about stuff that scares them, basically. And so for some reason the church has decided to focus more on those warning passages than it does... wait a minute... let's look at these beautiful passages and talk about the gift that God has in mind for us when we stay within the boundaries of his grace.

You know, when sex is right it's like fire in the fireplace. And when it's in the fireplace, let it roar, baby! You know? Build that fire, it's okay. But outside of that fireplace, it can become very destructive. It can ruin everything. Even a loss of life can happen because sexual impurity destroys relationships, families, and churches.

I just read this past week on the internet that one of the planting churches of Willow Creek, the downtown city church, the planting pastor who has been there for the last three years had to resign out of sexual impurity. That's just what the article said. It said "sexual impurity." This is not news anymore.

It's not enough for us as a church to say, "Don't do it because the Bible says so." We need to see what the Scripture says in terms of the benefit of keeping sex confined to the fireplace of the marriage bed because essentially that's what it says... between a man and a woman, marriage bed is holy and pure, and it's there that we recognize and understand our relationship with God even more deeply believe it or not.

So I want to read for you... we're going to look at together at three texts. We're going to read them one by one. They all contain the same basic verse that is seen in Genesis, the beginning of Genesis for God's plan. We'll go from Genesis to Matthew to Ephesians 5, and we'll see that marriage and sex from beginning to end all serve as an analogy for our relationship with God.

But let's pray: Lord, we pray that as we read these texts and others that your Holy Spirit would help us to understand your Word, and we pray that it's a gracious Word, a non-condemning Word so that we might be clear in our understanding of how much you love us as well as how to love each other. We ask it in Christ's name, Amen.

Genesis 2:18-25

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

Right there we have right away a tension in the text. "It is not good for man to be alone."

"Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found." No more tension.

"So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man." That a woman was shown to be created from the man so that there will continue to be union between the man and the woman in God's context.

"The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;'" - a great declaration - " `she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.'"

And now the text changes, there is a narrator. There is no longer the man speaking.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

One community, one connection of body and spirit. One new social unit that is standing before God in its own right.

"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."

Now going over to Matthew 19, in a context that Jesus is being challenged about the limits of divorce, he says this in 3-6, or the text. And listen to how he affirms Genesis.

"Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?' 'Haven't you read,' he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?"

"Didn't you ever read that?" Jesus said. "Why are your standards so low?" And then he adds something, "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." So Jesus takes this very same teaching, this creation teaching, and he affirms it, and he even goes a step further and says, "What God has joined together let no on separate."

Now I know that sitting here today are people who have experienced divorce. They've experienced broken relationships. I understand that. But this is the ideal. This is what God has designed for protection and provision.

Then in Ephesians, chapter 5, the Apostle Paul is talking about husband/wife, male/female relationships, and in the course of that whole conversation he says this in verses 29-32. He's talking about the husband and he says.

"After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it,
just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body."

That we are one flesh, so to speak, one membering with Jesus.

"For this reason," - look, he quotes the same verse: "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery" - marriage is a profound mystery - "but I am talking about" - even a more profound mystery - "Christ and the church."

All along, through all the Scripture, our relationship with God is described, again, as bride and bridegroom.

When faithfulness is there, Israel is a bride, is a wonderful bride. When faithful is not there Israel is referred to as a harlot, as a prostitute. Jesus affirms this analogy from Genesis and Paul states that the church is Christ's body and it's nobody else's. He died for it. He claimed it. It's his forever. When Adam said... when Adam said to the women, "This woman is now the corresponding fulfillment, I've looked at all these animals, I've named them all, I've... there is nothing here for me, this woman is now the corresponding fulfillment," there was an experience of oneness. There was again, community in body and spirit.

This points us to Jesus. Believe it or not, this points us to Jesus. The second Adam pursing his beloved comes to us and says, "This is the one - this is who I want," the body of the church, the people of God called out to be members with him. Is it pressing the analogy too much to say that the true man left his father, I guess the Spirit in this case, in order to make a way for us to cleave to God so that we might be one with God forever? Everything... everything that God gives, everything that God has created is intended to point us to our relationship with him.

I mean, when Paul says, "No matter what you do, whether you eat or drink, do everything to the glory of God." I mean, just the most common things, eating and drinking, then you would think that one of the greatest gifts of all, the gift of sex, ought to be pointing to the glory of God in its expression. We are God's bride. His desire is for us to know him. The end of time is described as a wedding feast because at a wedding feast, it's a day of fulfilled desire.

I remember our wedding day, now thirty-five-and-a-half years ago... August 18, 1973. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I also remember that the band that was lined up - because of a communication snafu, they got their weeks wrong; it was their first missed engagement in 25 years. I'm sure Ellen's parents were upset. Do you know what I said? Who cares? Because my eyes were on my bride. My eyes were focused on her. I didn't... I didn't care. That day was filled to the brim with the joy and anticipation of oneness which we refrained from until then, in the 13 months that we knew each other, by God's grace.

I told you about chatting with my nephew Jimmy a few months ago. Last August I ran into him at a ballgame, and he'd been married for three months and I asked him, "How's married life?" He said, "Better than I imagined." Now there is an understatement for eternity. How's eternity? Better than I imagined. He said, "This is amazing." He says, "I'm so glad I waited to have sex until I was married." I said, "Thank you for offering that."

But it's funny because I remember we were looking at each other and we were like grinning from ear to ear like we were members of some rare club. There was no special hand shake here, but there was a leaping of hearts. It was like... I don't know... it felt to me like Mary and Elizabeth when truth and joy meet around a mysterious secret of God.

You've heard me also mention Dave Ramsey of Financial Peace University fame. He always signs off his TV shows and he says it in his seminars, "If you'll live like no one else, later on you'll live like no one else." He's talking about financial principles, but he also goes on to say that the financial principles that he's teaching, if you follow them in today's culture, you're weird. He says because mostly in today's culture it's abnormal to follow these principles that he's teaching us about how to handle money.

And it's the same with sex confined to marriage. It's kind of... today in our culture, it's kind of weird to talk about this as though this standard were ridiculous. The 2000 census says that the number of unmarried couples living together increased 10 fold between 1960 and 2000. From 1990 to 2000 there was a seventy-two percent increase in cohabiting couples. One-half of American women have sex before turning 18. I'm sure the number is higher for men. Seventy-five percent of people admit to having sex before marriage... Christians or not.

The same stats: in a 2003 study sixty-one percent of students who signed sexual abstinence commitment cards broke their pledge. In 1992 a survey of Christianity Today readers - now Christianity Today readers now, not Cosmo readers - forty-one percent said they had had premarital sex. Fourteen percent said they'd had an affair. Of those fourteen percent, seventy-five percent said they admitted... that when they had that affair they were Christians... they admitted to being Christians at the time.

You'd think church involvement would be the strongest predictor for teenage virginity. It is not. Actually for... at least for teen girls, the strongest predictor for that is participation in a team sport. So if girls play lacrosse or soccer, they have a better chance of staying pure than if they go to a youth group.

One campus pastor who was always confronted with this reality that he's confronting as a Christian everyday when he walks on a college campus... he says, "I feel like I'm living in Amos 8:11-12 days." And so since you don't have Amos 8:11-12 committed to memory, we're going to look at that. This is what it says:

"'The days are coming,' declares the Sovereign Lord, 'when I will send a famine through the land-not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord, but they will not find it.'"

It's almost like we don't find it anymore when it comes to this topic. It's like every other word we listen to, but not God's. And what is God's Word about? It's all about God wanting us to experience his best for us - his protection, his provision. For us to give witness to his plan is to be weird in today's normal.

Again, Pastor Ben Cachiaras... I've taken some of the thoughts from his message on this and he made a good point. He said, "Talking about this today is like preaching an anti-slavery message in 1850 in South Carolina." That's about the equivalent to it. But there is a voice in the wilderness that is needed because there is too much to lose and everything to gain. Which voice are you listening to?

I want you to see a video. You've probably heard the story of this video. Somebody finally made it into a video. You may be familiar with it. Let's watch it to make the point.

[Video clip:]

USS Montana: Again, this is the USS Montana, requesting that you immediately divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision ... Over.

Response: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Captain Hancock of the USS Montana: This is Captain Hancock, you will divert your course ... Over.

Response: Negative Captain, I am not moving anything ... Change your course ... Over.

Captain Hancock of the USS Montana: Sir, this is the USS Montana, the second largest vessel in the North Atlantic fleet. You will change course 15 degrees north, or I will be forced to take measures to ensure the safety of this ship ... Over!

Response: This is a lighthouse, mate. It's your call. (long pause) Hello?

End of Video Clip

This is a lighthouse, captain. It's your call. Who are you going to listen to:Jesus, the way, the truth and the life who has the standards that will keep us from the rocks of destruction, or your beliefs, or some other source? It's your call. Outside of God's plan for sexual purity there is a lot of damage waiting to happen when you're in a collision course with God's will for sex. It will not fulfill you... oh, it might for a short time, but it will steal from you in the long run.

Now I want to put a Romans 8:1 disclaimer here. "In Christ there is no condemnation." Every single one of us has blown it when it comes to sexual purity. There is not anyone who is outside of a need for God's grace, but at the same time to just say, "Okay, well we better not say anything because we're going to make people feel bad." We need to construct the lighthouse of God's Word. We need to put out the light that God's Word is saying.

And here are some of those verses about limits and boundaries, like 1 Corinthians 6. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul says, "Flee from sexual immorality." And when he says sexual immorality it's an umbrella word that covers fornication which means sex outside of marriage, adultery (sex of two married, different married partners) - any kind of sexual impurity.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

God tells us to keep limits because he doesn't want us experiencing a false oneness with someone who is not God's partner for us. You know, I was reading in one of the books, Sex 180, and it talked about this guy who was like a tremendous basketball player, and he just... he had the life of a rock star when it came to sexuality. I mean he was... and he told a Christian friend, he later became part of a Christian basketball team as they traveled around. And he told his tale of what... that he was unbridled in his relationships.

He said at first it was like a guy sticking his hand in the fire, he said you got a little bit of a jolt, "but after a while there was scarring and I grew numb." He said, "After a while I didn't even know who I was. I wasn't even enjoying it anymore. I was like completely disconnected from myself. It's like every time I had a relationship with somebody who was just a stranger or a friend it was like gluing together two pieces of cardboard." And then you know what happens when you rip them apart. Something is left somewhere.

He said, "I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself everywhere." He says, "I'm on this trip now and on this team now I'm trying to let God help heal me from all of that. But I have so many scars." He said, "It wasn't worth it."

So also look at Proverbs, chapter 6, verses 27 and 29. This is a powerful verse.

"Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?"

The obvious answer is no.

"So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished."

There is another passage from a little bit later on, in that same section.

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house. But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so [look again] destroys himself."

Another version says, "Inherits the wind."

Look at the New Testament. In Ephesians, chapter 5, verses 3-7.

"But among you [Christians] there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity, or of greed... "

Notice how it connects greed with sexual impurity. One author I was reading said, "You know, a lot of us as Christians we might say in a sort of a self-righteous way, 'I just kept this boundary.'" But then we go looking at all these verses that the Bible talks about money and we don't listen to any of them. We hardly listen to anything the Scripture says about tithing or stuff like that.

I think you've heard the statistic before, the average Presbyterian, you know, commits 2.3 percent of their income. The Bible says you start with the tithe. That's what we do with this whole area. "Because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." See again, the boundary is about connecting with idolatry.

And then 1 Thessalonians 4, and here Paul is talking about what happens when we don't listen to God in this area. We just become like anybody else.

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified [set apart]: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God."

That's what the Scripture is saying.

"And that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."

You know, all of this because God calls us to protect a gift. You know some people have tremendously expensive gifts and they don't even know it. It's like finding the Constitution in the back of a picture frame and a person doesn't even know it and they sell it for five bucks at a yard sale. Or some people have a gift and in its material sense it's not worth very much at all. Let's say you have a picture of you and the President. That piece of paper isn't worth that much, but you frame it, you put a spotlight on it, you say, "Look at this," when people come in. "Isn't this awesome? I got this picture taken."

But when a gift is expensive and the giver is valued, that kind of gift when you see it... it's like revered. It's almost like seeing a Stradivarius violin. It's almost like being given a precious instrument by the creator of the instrument. It's like a Mickey Mantle signed baseball.

This is a true story. My dad had in the china closet of our home, back in the 1950s, two American League... authentic American League signed baseballs. One was signed by Mickey Mantle. The other was signed by Joe DiMaggio and Lou Gehrig. Today we would have those balls in a safe, right? We would have them locked up, maybe.

In 1950 they were in a china closet. My brother and I... 7, 9, we wanted to play. We wanted to play ball. And we just couldn't seem to find another ball anywhere. Oh, wait a minute, look at that. You know the rest of the story? We took those baseballs out. We took them across the street. We were hitting fly balls to each other. And we knocked them into the woods and they got lost because we wanted to play.

It's a good thing I'm still alive. Really. I mean now we listen to that, we gasp. We say, "Oh my... don't you know what you're doing?" No, we didn't. "You not only just lost those baseballs, think about all the joy you would have had having those baseballs now and showing them to people... what they'd be worth."

Sex is like a Stradivarius. It's intended to be well cared for and sacred and treated with the respect that it deserves. The holiness of sex is to bless another person. It's not just to take. It's to add to a person's well being, not subtract from it. And when it's outside the confines of a safe and trusting committed relationship, it doesn't do those things.

So ask ourselves, "Is what I'm about to do, or what I am doing... is it helping to benefit me and the person I'm with? Is it helping to draw them closer to God or is it moving them further away from God?" You know I think women and men, every choice we make affects another.

How we dress affects each other. You know I know that according to the gospel of Cosmopolitan, skin is in and tight is right. I realize that. We're brainwashed, man. We think that it doesn't matter how you dress. Women, cleavage does nothing to get men thinking about eternal things. Okay? If we are to love God and our neighbor as the great commandment calls us to, sometimes that involves a safety pin. You know what I'm talking about?

I mean, think about it. What are we trying to say? Look at me. Look at my body. Are we trying to say, "We want you to look to God when you interact with us?" You know sometimes Ellen will put something on and I'll say, "Whoa, get the safety pin. You know, we can't go out like that." She goes, "You're such a prude. We're just going out to dinner, it's okay." I said, "Alright, if we're going out to dinner, it's okay. But if we're going to church, get a safety pin, okay."

God puts curbs on how we're to use the gift of our bodies and the gift of sex. If we leave God out of anything, there may be fleeting pleasure, but there will be hollowed out souls. But God can heal. God does heal us. You know, even when sex is confined to marriage it's not always Fourth of July fireworks. I mean the older and older we get, the more I am realizing that reality.

But I'll tell you what... I'll tell you what, though it may not be as frequent, it is more deeply beautiful. It is a soul-ish God-centered connection. It is an amazing thing. It is an amazing thing. You sometimes think you're going to die in your wife's arms during that sexual experience and know that God is in the middle of it. It's something that you... it's only like if you treat it like a Mickey Mantle baseball.

It's a laboratory and it's a barometer of how communication and intimacy and love and service are measured and reflected. Sex apart from a desire to build up and give will soon lose its ability to connect. Two people having sex, married or not, can be worlds apart emotionally and spiritually, but true sex, the God-designed kind, is self-satisfying sacrifice.

Now listen, purity is possible or God wouldn't have commanded it. It would be a cruel joke to say, "refrain from sexual immorality," if it was not possible. But it's only possible through crucifixion, through Jesus, Jesus' crucifixion and our own. Paul's instruction is to put to death the members of our body that would carry us in the wrong direction. In union with Jesus, put to death those passions. Confine fire for the fireplace.

It is Jesus who has deep compassion when we fail sexually and as with any other sin, he will forgive us. He will help us to start over. He will say, "it's okay, just turn." I mean, who doesn't need God's grace today? Married, single... who doesn't need God's grace today to help them walk with Jesus? I mean, we can all identify with sexual sin and sexual impurity. We can identify how it can take over our minds.

Do you know what I think about sometimes the whole thing about pornography? It's that it's a way to get a connection that God intended but will never satisfy us. It's like an alcoholic drinking. I think sometimes for older men, when older men get into it too much, it's like not knowing what to do with grief, with a loss of something that they may have had. God calls us in everything to turn toward him. We need accountability. We need community. We need the disciplines of fasting and prayer.

You know, I was joking with the team about how fasting really works to help us grow spiritually and I was remembering back to a guy by the name of Dick Gregory who was an African American activist back in the 60s. And maybe some of you remember him. In one way... I guess, I don't know... I guess people still do this today, but back then he went on a hunger strike so that he could make a political point.

And because he was a famous comedian, Johnny Carson had him on the Tonight Show. So he was like a couple of weeks into this whole thing and Johnny Carson asked him, "Well how's it going? How's it going with your... what are you learning?" He said, "Man, I'm learning a lot." He says, "I'll tell you what." He says, "I've learned when you don't eat, if you put a turnip and a naked woman next to each other, I'm going for the turnip every time." I mean it's amazing when you starve your lusts what it will do... how much discipline, how much power you can have.

One more thing I want to say. If you're single here, I know many of you are... either you are single like never married or you are single again. If normal is married than why are so many marriages abnormal? Why are so many struggling? Marriage is not the only normal. Jesus was called to a life of singleness. Paul was called to a life of singleness. They both said that it's not a bad idea for many reasons. Whether one sexual orientation or another, singleness is not a life sentence.

I don't know, there may be some of you here... I don't know, there may be some of us here who go around thinking, "Doggone it, I've never had the high of cocaine. I'm being cheated." I don't think so. You know what... I bet it's really something. I wouldn't know. I bet it is really unbelievable because of what we just see as far as evidence, but we don't need to go there to feel like we've missed out on something. Instead, I think the call for all of us whether married or single is to seek God's rule first leaving the relational details to his will and to his timing for us.

Now you wouldn't think a good place to end here would be Job, but we will. Out of The Message translation are these verses from Job 11, and we'll just close with this.

"Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him,
If you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
you'll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life,
guiltless and fearless.
You'll forget your troubles; they'll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine, every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you'll relax, confident again;
you'll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
you'll be hunted out by many for your blessing."

Single, married - be a blessing to a needy world.

Let's pray: Lord we ask for your grace and love to seal this Word to our hearts. Help us to know that it is never too late to start where you want us to, to be what we were called to become. Again, we thank you for giving us such an incredible gift. Help us to honor marriage and the marriage bed by how we talk and by how we act. In Jesus' name, Amen.

© 2009, Rev. George Antonakas
Central Presbyterian Church, Baltimore, MD 21204 410/823-6145
www.centralpc.org