Sermon: "Anxiety of Failure"

1st in the "What Keeps You Up At Night?" series.
Delivered October 11, 2009 by Rev. George Antonakos.
Sermon Text: Acts 16:25-34

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They really did do a nice job, didn't they? That was a great, great skit that helps us to think about the issue of anxiety from so many different angles. I've found myself, as I actually was watching that skit, for the first time in rehearsal earlier this week, wondering who was most anxious in the skit. Was it the daughter who was maybe going to get cut, or was it the dad who we never met? Or was it the mom that was trying to hold things together as both spouse and mother?

Today, in our series that's just beginning, we're going to look at the "Anxiety of Failure." We're going to focus on failure. And oh, by the way, happy Columbus Day weekend. But what a great weekend to think about the anxiety of failure, right? I mean if anybody had anxiety over failure it had to be Christopher.

Today, there are a couple of other ironies here about the anxiety of failure as we begin. One is that you're looking at someone who has the anxiety of failure every single time I get up here to do what I'm doing. It's not just me. I know other pastors feel that way. I know worship leaders or actors or anybody who has to take a risk and stand in front of people... we feel an anxiety that is it going to be good enough? That kind of thing.

And the other irony is that when I look at this set I have to laugh because, and I'm not kidding when I tell you this, and I know maybe you've had similar kind of dreams. But I've had a dream where my bed actually is in the chancel and I wake up and then everybody is out there like, "Oh my, good to see you all." I mean I had that dream years and years ago and I still remember part. It's just vivid. Now, how's that for... I'm late, feeling unprepared, hope I don't blow it dream of angst? That's right up there to have a dream like that.

But again, anxiety is not limited to those who stand up in front of others or preachers or anybody else. It's as common as breathing. Although anxiety can be helpful in small doses, it can be the cause of many, many sleepless nights. And I'm sure each and every one of us has had that kind of night where you're tossing and turning. You have a thousand things going through your mind. There is a burden that just won't seem to go away. There is a conflict. There is a debt. Who knows what it is that drives all of that.

But our theme verse even though it's not the verse that we're looking at today... our theme verse for these four weeks is from Psalm 4:8, because the psalmist often times wrote about being anxious at night. And in Psalm 4:8 he said this:

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

That verse had a lot of meaning for our family thirty-some years ago when our youngest was born. Just about that time, Ellen... and she gave me permission to share this with you... she had a terrible, terrible bout with generalized anxiety disorder. She's just one of 40 million people, adults... 40 million adults in the United States that wrestle with some sort of diagnosable anxiety disorder.

And it troubled her. She wouldn't go anywhere. I mean, it was really bad. And through therapy and through medication and just through time and prayer and support of other people, it passed... and thankfully. Sometimes it does and sometimes it's just something that stays with you all through your life. I mean, sometimes it runs in families. Sometimes we're just hardwired that way, it seems. There have been experiments looking at babies at four months old. Some are hardwired it seems, for anxiety. Others are not.

And so each week we're going to look at one of these anxieties, and today is about failure. And in this first week, I want to look at a passage of Scripture that reveals two very different midnight responses to seeming failure. And we're going to turn to page 1,011 for our text today.

But let me, before we get into it and read... look at it together in our Bibles, I invite you to take the Bibles out, let me just set up the context for you. Paul and Silas are on a mission, and they are trying to share the Good News of Jesus Christ on this gospel mission. And they arrive in the northern parts of Greece in the coastal city of Philippi.

And in Philippi there is a slave girl who follows them around shouting, "These men are slaves... " Here is a slave girl saying, "These men are slaves of the Most High God, proclaiming salvation." And so it says... the Bible says that day after day, for probably about a week, this goes on. And Paul gets so annoyed after a while. I guess he was thinking... Hey, this is pretty good. This is like a billboard. These men are proclaiming salvation and you all better listen.

But after a while, he gets so annoyed he turns and he just rebukes this spirit of divination, as the Scripture says, and it goes and she doesn't do it anymore. But there is a problem. Her owners are making a lot of money off of her because she's able, somehow, to engage in fortune telling, and now their money is gone. Their hope is gone there. And so they create... They get so irate they create a kangaroo court through an appeal to prejudice and bigotry, and they get the magistrates to agree to flog these two. And it wasn't a little slap on the wrist, let me tell you. It was a severe flogging. And they imprisoned Paul and Silas, and bound them in stocks in the inner interior part of the prison. And so we'll pick it up in verse 25.

Let's pray: Lord, open our minds to understand this text and what it's saying to each of us today. In Christ's name, Amen.

So they're in the stocks and...

"about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God."

Now let me stop right there and say If you have insomnia, there is a great remedy right there. You might as well get up... might as well get up. Just start singing and praying to the Lord." So they're singing hymns to God and the other prisoners were listening to them.

"Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone's chains came loose. The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, 'Don't harm yourself! We are all here!' The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas.

He then brought them out and asked, 'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?' They replied, 'Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved - you and your household.' Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all the others in his house. At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his household were baptized. The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God - he and his whole household."

Now the post-context is that Paul and Silas are released with no repercussions... to the newly converted jailer who tells them that they can just go. But the jailer in that whole episode, for a moment, thought he was a failure... the jailer who thought he was a failure. Jailers aren't supposed to fall asleep on the job, and he knew very well what the rules were because he thought to himself... I might as well take my own life because if these prisoners escaped, I'm done. That's the mantra of failure. But I wasn't supposed to... and you just fill in the blank. I wasn't supposed to do something or not do something.

What kind of a week do you think Mark Clayton had this past week? If you know what I'm talking about, raise your hand... Mark Clayton, football fans. Okay, all the people with hands raised are crazy football fans, okay. They know what I'm talking about. Mark Clayton is an end for the Ravens, last week driving down the field against the New England Patriots, very good team. They're inside the 10, 4th and 5, 30 seconds left, the quarterback throws a bullet right in the gut of Mark Clayton and he drops it. Game over.

I wonder how many times he said last week, "I wasn't supposed to drop the ball?" I mean in interviews it seems like he's doing okay. You can't win them all. We'll get them this week kind of thing. He stayed cool. But what about all the other 'not supposed to's'? What about all the other times... the all the other, "But I wasn't supposed to... ?"

I wasn't supposed to fail as a husband or as a wife. I wasn't supposed to get into a job like this. I wasn't supposed to lose my job. I wasn't supposed to get sick. I wasn't supposed to say what I said, and now look at this relational mess. I wasn't supposed to fail as a parent. I wasn't supposed to be this weak when it comes to depression or anxiety. I should be on top of it. I wasn't supposed to give into my weakness or my addiction. I wasn't supposed to fail as a leader, as pastor, as a boss.

And when you're in those times it can feel like someone has tossed you into a damp, dark inner room of a prison just like Paul and Silas. And you can feel bound, tied to a wall, hopeless. You know some of my most difficult days in ministry have involved times when I've failed to make good decisions, or when I've failed to judge matters clearly and have really wounded or severed relationships and been followed by weeks of self-incrimination and guilt and second-guessing.

I remember one time we got into one of those experiences brought about partly because of my poor judgment where we had a session...heated argument. It was one of those session fights, and it's one of those days of ministry I'd love to have back. I'd love to have a do-over.

Well, in the wee hours of the next morning, an elderly woman who was on the session had a heart attack, and went to the hospital. And I visited her the next morning and she was not doing well. And I couldn't help but think that part of the anxiety, the aggravation of the evening before was one of the reasons for this occurrence. I remember getting in my car, and I'm sitting in my car behind the wheel. The windows were rolled up. I just screamed at the top of my lungs. I just felt like such a loser.

But there have been other days in ministry, stressful days too, any maybe they've been accompanied by criticism or rejection, and maybe it looked like failure written all over them, but I felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do. And one day when I stand before him, I'll find out.

And that's the picture here. There are two apparent failures in one corner singing their hearts out to God, singing their lungs out to God... just praising him. Wounds on their back and they're singing and praying. And then there is over here a jailer who apparently thought his life was over. He was ready to end his life because he wasn't supposed to fall asleep at the wheel.

And so that leads me to share three principles with you... principles you can hold onto if you can relate to the anxiety of failure. What if... ? I should have... I wasn't supposed... Three principles that I pray will lift your hopes, strengthen your spirit, and help you sleep better tonight. Here is number one...

1. Failure and success can only be measured by God's yardstick.

Here is an entire city up in arms against two men who have come with a message from God. And they looked, from everybody else's perspective, like wretched failures. But our Lord, I imagine our Lord, who knew what it was like to look like a failure when he hung from the Cross must have been smiling and weeping all at once and tapping his foot to the sound of their song.

Listen, it doesn't matter how many say or think you have failed, or measure you against false standards. There is only one standard... God's yardstick. And if it's your intent to move through this life trying to show love, trying to do your best with God's help, and your practice is in keeping with what God values, then God marks you as a success.

I remember years ago watching Danny DeVito accept an Emmy for a TV show. And in his remarks he said that he recalled one agent... He suffered many, many rejections, many failures. And one of his agents said to him, "Nobody wants to see a five-foot tall character actor." Then he went on and continuing his remarks he said, "I regret to say she didn't live to see me win an Emmy."

But the point is, don't let somebody's subjective measurements or even your own subjective measurement convince you of failure or success that can only be measured by God's yardstick. You know, the apostle Paul to the Corinthians said, "I don't let any... I'm not judged by any human institution. I don't even judge myself. It's God who is my judge." That's the first point. Certain things of failure and success can only be measured on God's scales, only be measured by God's yardstick.

2. Our response to failure or defeating circumstances demonstrates true success... our positive response.

In our darkest hour of... I wasn't supposed to... we can go one of two ways. We can inflict harm on ourselves, the ultimate kind or the penultimate kind. By the penultimate kind I mean the self-berating, the self-flagellating, the self-wounding, "I'm no good kind" of talk, or we can look to God. And that's what Paul and Silas were doing. They were looking to God and the praying and the singing were simply symptoms of trust.

And in either circle, or in either choice, others are watching and listening. Did you look at verse 25? Did you see verse 25? Why did they put that in verse 25? They're singing hymns to God and it says, "And the other prisoners were listening to them." If the Bible left that out, we wouldn't know any different. What's the point? The point is no matter which you choose, people are listening and watching.

Your hope is like a neon sign for God in the face of failure. Your continued willingness to positively respond to what God is calling you to is like a sign for a world looking for hope. We can find self-pity, self-criticism, and self-hostility anywhere. It's our positive response to Christ's Spirit that is crucial in the face of failure because ultimately we're pointing away from ourselves to the reality of God and God's kingdom.

Now I have a good deal of anxiety with what I'm about to tell you because I don't want it to come across as self-congratulating, and I also don't want anybody to be offended if you stand in a different place. But a little over two weeks ago, our Baltimore Presbytery began, again as it did two years ago, to entertain an action called an overture in the Presbyterian church, Presbyteries are smaller governing bodies that can send overtures to a higher governing body called the General Assembly which meets every two years.

And our local presbytery, which is very, very, very, very liberal in my opinion wants to change, again, wording of our constitution to define marriage as something beyond a contract or a covenant between a man and a woman. And they want to change the language to say that it can be a covenant between two people. Now in many places this is happening, but I feel like often times in the Baltimore Presbytery, we're like a straw that stirs the drink. We just seem to be part of getting out front with liberal causes.

Well in the past the minority conservative folks, of whom I am one, have been quite silent whenever we gather for presbytery because we feel like it doesn't matter what we say. The vote is going against us. We feel outnumbered. But a couple of weeks ago, I felt like the Spirit was nudging me and saying, "Get up at that presbytery meeting and speak to this." And so I did. I went about 30 minutes up Route 1, at the small, little church in the country, and the first reading of the overture... that's the way they do it. There is a first reading and then in November there will actually be a vote of whether the action happens.

So when the first reading came and somebody was going to present it, I stood up and I said, "Madam Moderator, I move to postpone this action indefinitely." That's another way of saying, "I'd like to kill it. And if I get a second, I would like to speak to it." So somebody seconded it, and I stood up and I spoke. I quoted Abraham Lincoln. And you know, I was telling them about house divided against itself won't stand. And I know there are some folks here that won't listen to what I'm saying and nobody is going to make me change my mind either, but I'm appealing to the sixty percent in the middle... please don't let this go forward because it's going to cause irreparable harm.

Well, I lost. I was defeated. The motion was defeated. Now I'm trying to rally people and say, "Let's get the vote out in November and see if we can't keep this from going forward." The actual overture, if it's voted on, will go to the July 2010 General Assembly to be dealt with there. Last time it was defeated at the General Assembly.

But the funniest thing happened, last week a person from the nominating committee of the Presbytery asked me if I'd be willing to be considered as a delegate to the General Assembly next July. I'm like... go figure that. Like, I'm just a token conservative in this place. They said, "But we want diversity and we want you to put your name in the ring to go next year."

I said, "Well, I know shenanigans are going to go on in January. I know somebody is going to nominate somebody else on the floor, and I'm going to be voted out of there." But then I thought to myself... Do you know what? If God wants me there, I'm going, right? It doesn't matter. If God doesn't want me there, it doesn't matter either.

But here is why I'm saying all this to you, and this is what was bringing tears to my eyes. Even though that got voted down, I didn't feel defeated. And even more than that, I'm thanking God for giving me the courage to do something with an absence of malice and anger in my heart. I feel like I'm singing in my spirit even though the circumstances are different from what I would like.

I told Ellen last week over dinner, I said, "It's kind of like the Old Testament, honey." I said, "It is like when David said the Spirit of the Lord fell upon somebody." I said, "I feel like the Spirit of the Lord is falling upon me to do what I have to do, and I'm not that way. I hope it lasts." I am not that way.

I've taken psychological inventories that say I come out with a really high fear factor. I'm a scaredy person, but I feel like the Spirit of the Lord has come upon me to do what I have to do. And I say all that to say this to you...do what you have to do to move forward in a positive way in spite of the circumstances, in spite of what you're telling yourself, in spite of what anybody else says, move forward and do what you have to do to point to the kingdom of God and the reality of the kingdom of God.

3. The anxiety of failure when responded to in God's way brings about new possibilities... puts us on a threshold of new possibilities that we couldn't see.

Failure makes us pliable people, and that's good. Human extremity is God's opportunity. And just at the point we face our darkest moments, a voice cries out, "Don't harm yourself. Don't do it. You don't have the right perspective. We're all here. Nobody has left. You're not seeing the situation the way it really is."

And the jailer cries out, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" Maybe he heard that slave girl saying, "Here are servants of the Most High God, proclaiming the way of salvation." Maybe he heard her, and he said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved? What must I do?" It's like God says, "There... that's exactly where I want you." And where is that? With a cry of submission on your heart, with a total openness to my work, with your options exhausted, convinced that your efforts will not cut it any longer.

I remember one time talking to a parishioner years and years ago. I don't know why this stuck with me... just has. And he told me, he said, "You know I used to pray, 'Please God, do this. Please God, do that.' Then finally things got so bad, I finally started to pray, 'God, what do you want me to do? What are you telling me to do? What are you asking me to do? No more rationalizing. No more bargaining. Lord, I'm a clean slate. Write your will on me.' And he says, 'Here's my will, here's my ultimate will for you... that you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ who took all your failure, all your sins, all your guilt on his shoulders. That you believe in what he did for you, and that you receive him as your Lord and Savior so that you'll be saved eternally and daily.'"

I know many of us believe, but I want to ask a question. Is Christ on the throne of your heart? Is he in charge of your life? How do you have that happen? Just step off the throne, say, "Lord, my ego I remove. I put you here again. Please, Lord, I believe that you want to control my life, and I yield myself to you."

Do you know the proof that has taken place? Let me tell you the proof it has taken place. You can see it right in the text, "When you find yourself doing and what other people see you doing, things that are weird based upon the former ways." A jailer washes his prisoner's wounds, and then the same water, perhaps, is used to baptize him and his family. A jailer hosts his prisoners in his home with a meal, pointing to the banquet in the kingdom of heaven. Gentiles feeding Jews... filled with joy because he had come to believe and found life in God. Three times in the space of four verses it says, "He and his household came to believe." See the new possibilities that we experience as we respond positively to whatever our circumstances are more than just for us. They are for others as well.

So there are the three points... God's yardstick, our positive response, and new possibilities. What do you need to be saved today? What do you need to be saved today? Some need to receive Christ as the first and foremost means of new life. Others need to return to Christ because you've been walking in the shadows. And others still need to keep walking with Christ no matter what.

But all of us, no matter where we are, maybe very much like this jailer in need, we need to ask God and ask others for help. We need to stop going it alone under the burdens and the anxieties that we carry, and ask somebody else to come alongside of us. You know when we view our life situation from God's perspective our failures can look very different.

And so today when you came into church, you received a little card. And on one side it has a stamp like the rejected sign up there. I want to ask you to pull that out, and in a moment of response, I want to ask you to ask God to redeem failing circumstances or failing situations or guilt or whatever else it is by writing the anxiety of failure...past, present or future on that card, and placing it in the baskets here in the front.

Last service we had people come up and put their offering in the baskets. That's okay, but don't put your offering in the basket. These baskets are for these cards. And after we have a response song, I'm going to collect these baskets and I'm going to place them in this hope chest as a sign that God can redeem and change the darkest situation to bring hope and healing.

God, help us as we respond to you from this Word. Help us to choose to trust you and to follow where you lead. Through Christ our Lord, Amen.

© 2009, Rev. George Antonakos
Central Presbyterian Church, Baltimore, MD 21204 410/823-6145
www.centralpc.org